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Long Sad Hard Day

August 19, 2006

(mostly NSBR, Skip if to bottom if you want something cheerful or to see a layout)

I realized I never posted the rant that I was going to share in the last post about digital scrapbooking, and maybe that’s a good thing, wouldn’t want to get anyone upset. Just random thoughts that I’ll keep to myself, unless you email me and and then I’ll be happy to discuss it with you, LOL! Just feeling a little overwhelmed by the incredible amount of pressure we put on ourselves, to the point that clicking a link in forums usually results in me thinking of nothing to add to the conversation that hasn’t been said already, or resaying the things that have already been said and thus looking like a big “follower”, or quite possibly, thinking of something really cranky to say that know one really wants to hear but me. Which all finally results in me closing that thread without saying anything at all (although a couple cranky things have seemed to come out lately anyway). Same things goes for galleries. Guess I had something to say after all, LOL!! I’m just a poop, and cranky too. But hey, this is my blog, so yeah…

Here’s why I’ve been so cranky.

I haven’t said anything ’cause well, it was just too scary, but my Mom has been in the hospital since last Sunday. It began the Thursday before that with an almost constant nauscious (sp?) feeling, which is quite normal following a chemo session. By Sunday night, she still hadn’t been able to eat or keep anything down, even after an urgent care fluid transmission at the Cancer Clinic Sunday morning. They admitted Mom to the oncology unit at the hospital on Sunday night. All her blood work was showing up normal, but she was complaining of a lot of pain. It turns out that her colon collapsed and had created a knot, once again obstructing her system. For a few days they were hoping that it would correct itself if they took some pressure off her system. She’s been on a feeding tube since Wednesday afternoon. Finally this morning they decided that because nothing had progressed they would go in for an exploritory surgery. What appears to have happened is that scar tissue from the radiation and the last surgery was causing huge amounts of problems and the loop would not have corrected itself, so they removed the lesions. Her body is just so weak and tired. The surgery this morning was successful, but she remains in critical care. So last Saturday when I posted that we had 1 week and 2 days to go, well, we’re not there, obviously. And not really sure where we will go from here. The good news being that the surgeon saw nothing abnormal during the surgery, meaning no new tumors have formed since the last was removed. She’s been heavily sedated since Monday night, I get panicked phone calls from her early in the morning (seems to be a bad time for her) telling me that everyone is crazy and they are hurting her. She told my sister (on voice mail) that we were both lazy daughters who needed to get our asses over there to help her. She’s downright nasty sometimes on morphine, and really I cannot wait for her to wake up. Once she does wake up it’s going to be pretty hard to convince her to stick to treatment, whatever that might look like now. All along she said it would only make her worse and that she didn’t need it (irrational, I know, but it’s what she believes none the less). Part of her dilusion that they are hurting her is of course the morphine, but it really does stem from her thinking that they’ve been trying to kill her all along. I’ve been trying to convince her to go on anti-depressents all along, thinking she wasn’t handling this all well, but now maybe I’m starting to face that it’s not depression but something more serious. More on that another day, still not dealing well with some things and I’m not quite ready to share.

*****The Lighter Side of Things*****

On a lighter note, Joel’s Mom and Step-Dad came up to help and take JT to the circus that I was supposed to take him to. JT is now exhausted watching movies on the floor and giving me some much needed peace and quiet. Thank goodness for them! Joel’s real Dad is coming for another visit on Tuesday, and I think Joel and I might slip away to San Francisco for dinner and a Giants game on Monday if Joel can get someone to cover his shift, ahhh, garlic fries, microbeers and baseball, just what the doctor ordered foor me!

I also finished a page for Amy’s newest release, Young and Carefree from The Digi Chick.CuriousCharm.jpg

Ink splotches from Tracy Ann Robinson at SBB and Ink Stamped Alpha by Dani Mogstad from the This Love CD at Design By Dani (in the extras).

I did finish that photo swap, be sure to stop by Girl Talk starting Monday to see all the swaps that the Dani’s Girls did last week and right now there is a bio on our new team member.

And with that, I’m going to close this browser, turn off my email for the night, enjoy peanut butter sandwhiches for dinner, and snuggle with my son on the couch and finish Toy Story. Hopefully, I can find some restful sleep too, I don’t think I’ve had any RAM sleep since last Saturday, it sure feels like it.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. August 19, 2006 7:26 pm

    I’m so sorry that your mom’s not doing well, Tania. And that must really suck when she calls you and hollers and you know that it’s not that way, but she’s still upset. Hugs to you and your family!
    And a baseball game does sound just like what the doctor ordered – LOL!

  2. August 19, 2006 8:26 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this Tania! Big hugs!!!!!!!!!
    Getting away does sound like a good idea. Have fun watching Toy Story.

  3. August 19, 2006 9:52 pm

    Oooh Tania.. I am so sorry about your mom. I know 100% how you feel. I swear my father called me one night 20+ times saying they were being mean to him in the hospital and that I needed to get down there asap. And even though they don’t understand and you know it will blow over, it completely stresses you out!!! It almost makes you not want to answer the phone. Seriously if you need to rant feel free to rant to me.. been there, done that 🙂 Hang in there! I love your page 🙂

  4. August 19, 2006 11:49 pm

    Girl…about your, Mom..well,I always feel like I never have the right words, but I want you to know that I’m thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, sweet gal!

    Totally feel ya on the other stuff. grrrr!, eh?

    The layout is just gorgeous, too, btw. JT has grown so much since then!

    (((hugs))) love u!

  5. August 20, 2006 8:46 am

    o tania i feel for you! what an ordeal for you to be going thru. When my mom was ill, she started suffering from dementia and or alzheimers (still never confirmed which) and that just makes everything so much more difficult. Strange accusations and comments would pop out so often. It is certainly hard for daughters to deal with. Dont’ berate yourself for having nothing to say in forums! Who would at this time? dont forget to take care of you too!! hugs!

  6. August 20, 2006 2:07 pm

    Tania, you and your mom and your whole family are on my heart. I am so sorry things are not going easier for all of you right now. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, and sheesh, I can’t believe you finished a layout during all that! I wish I could be there to help, but I’ll just offer lots of hugs and prayers for you.

  7. August 20, 2006 7:07 pm

    Aw, Tania. I’m so sorry things are so hard with your mom. Go ahead and be a cranky poop. Who wouldn’t be. I hope you had a nice evening and will get to go to the game tomorrow. Sounds like it would be the perfect break for you. (((hugs)))

  8. August 20, 2006 10:07 pm

    I know I’m a day late on posting this…but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. My grandma does the very same thing when she is in the hospital during treatments. She is convinced that all the nurses are trying to kill her…I’m just lucky that we aren’t that close so she calls my sister instead of me. LOL I wish there was something I could do or say to make things slightly easier for you. Feel free to e-mail me whenever you have the urge to *itch and moan about anyone or anything! 🙂

  9. Raji permalink
    August 21, 2006 6:24 am

    My thoughts & prayers to you & your Mom (((Hugs))), that’s a great LO. I can so relate to posting in forums, sometimes it is really annoying.

  10. Susan permalink
    August 22, 2006 7:35 am

    I’m really sorry to hear things aren’t going real well right now. Just hang in there girl!

  11. Melinda permalink
    August 22, 2006 11:33 pm

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying things are getting better. Life in general has been super busy at my house, so I haven’t had a chance to comment. I should be in bed now, but thought I should take a sec first to drop a brief hello your way.

  12. August 26, 2006 5:54 pm

    I haven’t been able to check this whole week we’ve been away…but I’ve been thinking about you and your mom!!

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